Sex in the animal kingdom. What happens in your backyard?

By Radost Gospodinova

When you’re thinking of wild sex your backyard might not be the first thing that comes to mind. But what happens in the shades of the trees and the disguise of the bushes is just a tiny part of the secret sex life of all animals which inhabit your garden.

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There is something about the sex life of others that just makes us want to know more. Even if that may lead to awkward silence, disgusting visualizations in your head or never being able to look someone in the eyes again. If you already suspect your neighbours of being absolute perverts just wait until you realize that your garden is the most famous wild-life whorehouse in town.

Most of the time we don’t know how they do it, where they do it, when they do it and even what exactly they are doing but it is as engrossing as a new sex tape of some of the hundreds of Kardashians. Don’t try it at home though. The intimate life of animals is definitely not a bed of roses. Instead “it’s brutal, aggressive, often painful, and sometimes it ends fatal” as zoologist Paul Janssen says. Some species do like it slow and sensual, sexy and seductive, so don’t worry, your backyard is not always the set to hardcore porn.

Macho Macho Man 

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Some girls just can’t resist muscles, hairy chests and the crazy amount of testosterone which hits them when a real macho man passes by, even though we live in an era where men are better epilated than women. There is a biological explanation for why females are so attracted to a dominating male. Simply said, the obvious demonstration of masculine power unconsciously influences ladies’ choice as their instinct whispers “he has the genes!”

But in the sex life of an ordinary urban pigeon the stakes are high as the competition is brutal. The biggest, the bravest and definitely the cheekiest one will take the girl home. A common feature of most male pigeons is their aggression during mating season. When hormones hit them every other moving male turns into an enemy who has to be pecked, humiliated and chased away. The cock (male pigeon) puffs himself up so he can look even bigger and strut around in order to impress the lady. He coos, he bribes the female with food, and he performs his mating dance restlessly. Sometimes his techniques may look rather aggressive instead of seducing. Eventually, this rude and arrogant attitude may scare the female away. But if she is brave enough, the new couple will go for a few seconds of balancing pleasure knows as the “cloacal kiss” – a brief rubbing of cloacas and exchange of sperm. Nothing romantic about that except the fact pigeons are monogamous and pair for life.

The Fatal woman

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Imagine a world dominated by women where males serve only as a vehicle for sperm. In nature this reality exists. It’s not just a fetish or role play. Stereotypes are ruined; power is shifted. The delicate passive female turns into an extreme femme fatale. It’s a war between sexes.

She is the mother of all; life-giver and a real conqueror. She divides and rules. The bee queen is often seen as an animalized image of goddesses such as Ishtar or Isis – a symbol of fertility, dominance and leadership. After making sure she assassinated all her sisters and the throne is hers the virgin new queen selects the best male bees. This privilege will cost them their lives.

In the human world sexual explosion sounds like the ultimate orgasm experience but in a bee hive things look really ruthless and dirty. Literally. While obediently doing his duty the male’s penis explodes inside the queen. Loaded with sperm the only thing the queen can do is light a cigarette and worry about nothing as she got all she wanted – to be fueled up for the rest of her life which she will spend laying up to fifteen hundred eggs per day for three full years.

Hardcore experience

After Fifty Shades of Grey the secret fantasy world of spanking and punishment seems not so secret anymore. But what is so extraordinary about a slap in the right moment and what differentiates it from simple domestic violence? According to researches, in certain moments pain may actually provoke the release of endorphins which boost pleasure feeling.

However, there is a fine line between going harder and just going too hard. In the animal kingdom sex is definitely the last thing connected with pleasure especially when it comes to cats.

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If you have ever seen cats mating then you should no longer ask yourself why the female one just hates it. It’s simple – it hurts like hell. The reason why she is so furious has nothing to do with her mood or the fact he’s a terrible lover, but because the cat’s penis is a horrifying torture tool covered in tens of tiny barbs…Yes, barbs! It is not the biting which makes her wanting to kill him but the sharp fishhooks which scrabble her.

These daggers scrape what is left from other opponents out of her, as female cats are known to be quite “loose” and mate with the whole neighborhood.

This violent act also stimulates ovulation as pain makes her brain produce a specific hormone says zoologist Paul Janssen.

It’s ironic. Claimed to be one of the most efficient reproducers and an inspiration for different civilizations like the Egyptians, whose fertility goddess is a cat, the cat’s own sex life is pretty bad. What’s even worse, the mating season often lasts from January to August – that’s over half a year of desperate efforts to run away from horny rude males geared with barbed penises.

Practice safe sex

Kids, you all know safety comes first. Animals, however, won’t be worrying about unwanted pregnancy and nasty sexually transmitted diseases. Even so, there are some species inhabiting your backyard which really have to be extremely careful when it comes to mating.

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If you have ever asked yourself how hedgehogs do it, the actual process of mating is exactly as delicate as you can imagine. In order to avoid all the spikes the female has to take a special body position which in this case does not work to increase pleasure but to prevent accidents. She stretches her body in such a way that her vulva comes out of the spikes. The male mounts from behind. Thanks to his unusually located penis, which can be mistaken for a belly button, he does not have to lower too much. It might sound easy but it definitely needs muscle.

Animal sex goes from bondage and murder, sadomasochism and power assertion, to real love stories, romance and happy endings. This is just a small glimpse of what really happens in your backyard, with or without your observation.  Even though the wildlife sex world might seem weird and bizarre, it is part of a long process of striving for survival and evolution.

So different and yet so close to us.

By Radost Gospodinova

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